The April Fool!

I am the April’s FOOL, so I hate this day and have for years. But should I think of myself as such? It troubles me that some of my worst days or memories have happened on this single day. And I guess it has never stopped, which makes me hate it even more this year. I speak about each and the first one is a hardest one for me.

It was 1998, it was my first year at college and I was living life at the time. I meet many woman, found my first real relationship, and enjoyed my life for the first time in ways I had never experienced. I am very introverted, and that year had been building all through high school. With each year in hs, I became more and more open socially. But when college hit, I threw down so many walls and just went with things. Life changed and evolved.

I had been friends with a woman for months with possibilities of more. We had flirted and gone deep in our conversations. Though the majority of our friendship, I was in a relationship with another woman; so nothing happened. I have never gone beyond flirting while in a relationship; I am not built that way. She was also about seven years older than I, a nurse that worked many hours, and had a son. These things I believe gave her little time to devote to our friendship, but when my relationship ended; she became much more involved with wanting more from me.

She wanted more commitment from me. Till that point, I had made it clear that I was in college and not completely looking for something lasting. Though like others in the years to follow, she wanted more and I guess thought she could get it from me through getting closer. A week before April we had sex for the first time. If that had not happened, maybe this story would never take place. But who is to stop a 19 year old man, from reaching that level of physicality?

So we finally got that close. It was in her car at the time, at some vacant lot that she knew. I did not want it to be in my dorm room, since I had a roommate. And she did not want it in her house, since she had her son and babysitter there. After that night, I did not hear from her for a week.

She finally called late on the night before April 1st. She was somber and told me that we needed to talk. I could sense her seriousness and quickly asked what was wrong. She asked if I remember how she got pregnant with her first son. From what she told me they had used protection and she still got pregnant. I remembered and said yes, feeling the awful dread of the moment. She said well, I am pregnant. What a wild thing to hear when you did not plan it, took precautions and were just beginning your adult life!? Being young and stupid, I responded reactionary with something to the effect of “what are we going to do with it?” or maybe “what do you plan to do with it?”

She did not say anything for a minute or more. I do not know, time sort of froze in my memory of the events. Then she came out and said APRIL FOOLS! Gosh what a bitch, I jokingly said and we chatted for another minute laughing things off. I did not hear from her for at least a month later and when I did she was engaged. She slowly broke off communication with me within that year, but I do remember that she had a baby sometime within that year. I knew the man she meet within a week of me, and she married him within a couple months. I was happy for her and never thought a single thing about the events.

It was not until a few years later when the events hit me. Maybe I should say the possibility of what might be hit me. I remembered our conversation in more detail and tried to remember when her son was born. Could it be? To this day I do not know. She gave up her phone, email, and moved. I at the time did not even remember her last name. So I had no way to know, to even ask if it was true.

It hurts me to imagine that I might have a son out there. One that I have not known, and was not given the chance to know. Yes I reacted badly, but was it so bad? I did not tell her to go F*** herself or I would have nothing to do with the child. I was just surprised and scared. But coming from a home where my father abandoned us at a young age… I could never imagine not stepping up as a father. Again, it is not a sure thing and is only speculation that it might be true. I think all would agree that I have strong reason to speculate about this situation.

April Fools Take 2 & 3.

So now that we have address the main and largest reason for me to hate the day of April 1st. Let me go further into the days that came after. There have been two other events that stick out to me. One that was upsetting and costly. Another that was a tragedy and loss, but indirectly to me. There is another sad day that occurred on April 1st … which is the last one in this present year, when I got kicked in the gut or in my pride. But we will not go there.

Let us talk about the April 1st that happened next in my life. It was only a couple years later. I was in my early twenties and driving with a girlfriend to see another friend of ours. It was a beautiful day and we had been enjoying ourselves. No I do not mean drinking, but just out and about all day. We were traveling along a road leading up a mountain (more like big hill in these parts), and a car cut me off. I had to slow down to let him by, but the car behind him was on his tail and driving blind because of it. That collision nearly totaled my truck, I cracked my head pretty bad and my girlfriend the same. Luckily nobody got really hurt. The driver of the car was fine, and her old boat had barely any damage compared to my pushed in front end. But who could feel happy about that type of event? Not I.

The next April 1st was a loss, which was some years later. A friend of mine that had been a great help in the years I searched for a spiritual path died. She was in a car accident and the damage caused enough internal bleeding that she eventually died. Let us say she had a good life and knew who she was; and helped others to find themselves.

So that is the skivvy on why I do not like April Fools. And history has only taught me that the day still continues to be harsh for me. Directly or indirectly things continue to happen.

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